Letters to forgiveness. Part 1

Dear Bonnie,

I don’t really remember you, I mean your face. But here goes nothing. You were like a tornado , a very silent one you just left pain and confusion in my life. I think I always felt that I wasn’t a part of you but you didn’t even pretend I was . I loved you I guess , I’m not sure either till date. You brought a looming terrifying darkness at home especially for me cause no one else noticed this though. When I saw you bring joy to others we I desperately needed to be part of that. This created a toxic foundation for my neediness , I feel left out of everything in my life always… It’s a sad story , but this is my overcoming.

You told stories that you didn’t want me to hear or get excited about that is just sad of you. You gave me eternal chores just to get rid of my presence. I yearned to be part of a family that I was already part of. Your discreet rejection was so overwhelming to me, it was that low harsh tone, a hating side eye and leaving me out of a simple walk.

You start dying, and as a child I diligently take care you; pour bloody iodine water and the basics stuff because you’re out of a job and I’m your hand maid.

You become bony and frail also a very bitter weak man .. it’s diabetes then the leg wound , the fear of losing a leg, then the cancer creeps in and gives you a peaceful send off. And I feel nothing for you , I’m 12 years old I just feel peace and relief or it was just a coping mechanism. I still feel nothing but experiences have show me that you’re always lurking somewhere around … Well not you just the experience of you in my life and so this is me trying to deal with it.,. Trying you shake you off and create a new perception of the male species.

I never said it so here goes, cheers to the ten years you tried to be my dad yes you failed me and it mostly because you didn’t know any better , cheers to me letting go and growing out of this malicious rut didn’t I know about. Good-bye old man , may you continue to rest in peace.

Yours sincerely,

Wangui Njeri

Author: lizziekoi

Always trying to grow

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