For the umpteenth time I paused a video to listen if he’s unlocking the door..he wasn’t… I’m alone…. My baby is at her grandmother’s house… So I’m just over thinking… It’s 23:47 so I decide to write.. well because it’s kind of a refuge … I shade a little tears and wonder what life is this… Waiting on a man…. Not only to come home but to bring food to send money, to buy me clothes ( which barely happens so I buy very cheap worn stuff) , to notice my hair is struggling for months now, to finally support my dreams like he promised me he would, to help me finish my studies, to actually need me or even appreciate me…. it’s a sad story as listen to the door… Like bits and pieces of nightmares come to life… I fall in love, fear grips me, violence violents me , I feel peace just in a blink… Then I’m digusted with myself for giving a man so much control over my life. And I die slowly as the year ends… Knowing I’m giving life to bigger things which I have no idea off….
I didn’t sleep that night so I entered this bad cycle of insomnia, sickness and fatigue my soul is fatigued …. Like you have malaria but worse cause it drags you down …. Drains your soul fully this is not worthy it … It’s bullshit and I’m aware of it… I should leave… But where to? How can I leave him again… I’m I too emotional or…or… I’d this man just a narssasist … I honestly still can’t really tell but I know this isn’t how people live. I know movies lie but this is too much too hard too ugly for me.
My daughter that girl is my life source , that girl is my life now , she is barely two and I could go through fire for her. She’s the reason for everything now. So I stay …I’m not about to make her life hard because this man is unkind to me … So let’s to this…
Another day I smile at my semi drunk mans because weelll… I don’t know… I don’t want to upset him .. I already call him a thousand times last night cause also I don’t really have a solid reason now it’s been months he’s been drinking.. I look forward to seeing my child, she keep me busy and we can ignore life.
This routine continues for a while and I’m not the only tired partner in this come we stay we’re all done… We’re all making plans to change this relationship just in different directions..
That night I read a few paragraphs of the book ‘How to make your marriage work without talking about it’ , then pray and ask God to remove anything that is not from Him from our lives, for Him to bless us and guide me to be a better person.